Emotions

I think it is completely accurate to say that I have always been a feeler.  For as long as I can remember I’ve always seemed to feel “too much”; whether it was my Asian father who did not understand my emotions or my boyfriend who grew frustrated with how deeply little things affected me.  I always saw my emotions as a bad thing… until I started writing.  I remember the first emotional piece I wrote and shared with my big brother, Andy.  This was the first time I saw my emotions as something other than a weakness.  It often feels like a curse, but now I had an outlet, a reason to have the ability to feel everything.

Andy told me it was special.  The way I feel things and the way I can express them.  He encouraged me to put pen to paper… he acknowledged that my writing was a way for people to understand me because most people did not.  I remember the conversation in his white SUV like it was yesterday.  It was one of those perspective changing moments that you never forget.

Since then, I have had countless people comment on how much they appreciated how open and honest I am in my writing. I’ve had people reach out to me about how they struggle with similar problems as I do and this always encourages me to want to share more.  It is tough to show one side of myself on social media.  The side that attempts to portrays that I am put together and have it all figured out.  All the while, writing about something completely different; about struggling and about anxiety and about pain and heartbreak.  I do not want to be seen as weak, but at the same time… it is easier for me to write about my emotions when I am not on top of the world and out enjoying life to the fullest.  In those moments, I do not take the time to reflect, I am just living in the moment.  In moments of doubt or pain, I turn to writing.  So I am not either of these people I portray, I am a combination of both… and I never know how to balance that or how to be understood as both.

Any advice?

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