I think it is completely accurate to say that I have always been a feeler. For as long as I can remember I’ve always seemed to feel “too much”; whether it was my Asian father who did not understand my emotions or my boyfriend who grew frustrated with how deeply little things affected me. I always saw my emotions as a bad thing… until I started writing. I remember the first emotional piece I wrote and shared with my big brother, Andy. This was the first time I saw my emotions as something other than a weakness. It often feels like a curse, but now I had an outlet, a reason to have the ability to feel everything.
Andy told me it was special. The way I feel things and the way I can express them. He encouraged me to put pen to paper… he acknowledged that my writing was a way for people to understand me because most people did not. I remember the conversation in his white SUV like it was yesterday. It was one of those perspective changing moments that you never forget.
Since then, I have had countless people comment on how much they appreciated how open and honest I am in my writing. I’ve had people reach out to me about how they struggle with similar problems as I do and this always encourages me to want to share more. It is tough to show one side of myself on social media. The side that attempts to portrays that I am put together and have it all figured out. All the while, writing about something completely different; about struggling and about anxiety and about pain and heartbreak. I do not want to be seen as weak, but at the same time… it is easier for me to write about my emotions when I am not on top of the world and out enjoying life to the fullest. In those moments, I do not take the time to reflect, I am just living in the moment. In moments of doubt or pain, I turn to writing. So I am not either of these people I portray, I am a combination of both… and I never know how to balance that or how to be understood as both.